"You're simply amazing".

It's not like anyone really reads any of these but..

I’ve finally realized something I can no longer deny. Around other people, we claim that we hate each other, that we can’t stand each other’s presence in the company of other people in the same room. Alone, our friendship remains strong, and we always talk. No matter what happened that day. And if we stay the night somewhere, we always end up going to bed apart, and waking up intertwined with each other, our hands stuck together like glue.
Why is that? I mean, I might have a boyfriend now, but there’s always that connection with him, that I don’t understand. Part of me doesn’t even want to understand – it just wants to continue to feel like that, to be able to feel like that, because for only a couple hours at a time, peace comes around, and leaves only true happiness.


I can’t say its love, just an undeniable force that somehow unconsciously joins us. Leaving to wake up in the morning, and hardly wanting to push each other off. But, doing it anyway, for fear of freaking out the other person, and losing our “fake hating friendship”.
Speaking of boyfriends, mine is hardly around, making it seem like I’m still single. I was talking to a friend of mine, and he was there, while I blabbed that maybe sometimes I want some attention. I only seem to get his attention a couple of times a month, and even then, it’s nothing sexual. I mean NOTHING sexual. Speaking of which, that hasn’t even happened yet, to my satisfaction, and it’s been a grand total of 25 days.


When I call him, he tells me about his day, asks me about mine, and that’s about it. The relationship is boring. It’s kind of reminding me that it’s moving too slowly and that maybe soon enough there will have to be a change in pace if it’s going to last longer than where it’s headed. What I don’t like about him is that he told me he loved me way too quickly. First night we started dating, he’s like “ I love you” and I felt like saying: “Just don’t. You’re throwing around words that mean the world to me like they don’t mean a single thing, like they just happen to be words people say.”


I called him again last night. No answer again, and then he shut his phone off. I must have called at least 18 times. I don’t like feeling shut out like that. A very good friend of mine said I didn’t deserve it. I asked him why, and he said: “You just don’t”. After a while of wondering I finally asked him and you know what he said? “You’re simply amazing.”
I can’t explain the amount of emotion I felt after I saw that on my computer screen. I was like: “Me? Amazing? Are you sure we’re talking about the same girl here?” After a while, I figured it out. It is true. I am amazing. I put up with a lot; I’m strong, beautiful, intelligent, gentle, caring, supportive, etc. I am simply put – amazing. (:

Now, as I sit here, and type this final word, I can only say that my heart is pulling me in all kinds of directions. I may not love anyone at all, now that I think about it. I may just be looking for comfort, in whatever way I can get it. Comfort is something I have always been looking for. It's something that I haven't had a lot of, and I guess now I'm just looking to have some of it.

Truth is, I'm not looking for anything sexual. I know in my day I should be experimenting pretty sexually, but I choose not too, because of the discomfort it causes me. I don't feel comfortable experimenting that way, which is okay with me.

Anyways.

Hopefully, I get in touch with my so-called boyfriend today, and demand to know what his problem is. I might be a little rusty relationship-wise, but I sure do know that you're supposed to keep in contact with your girl at least every couple of days. It's been way more than a couple of days, in all truth. Even the one who says I was amazing thinks I deserve better than someone who doesn't bother to pay any attention to me.

Oh well, I don't need someone to lean on. I have me, myself and I and I'm already okay with that concept.

As for pain, my upper back continues to hurt on the right side near my spinal area. It's something that I don't want to have to continue to hurt. Found a solution just seconds ago... try placing your back completely straight and still on the chair. There's a back rest there for a reason, I suppose.

I didn't have a spare first period, but we spent most of the time on the computer, which was fine enough for me.
Second period, the one I am in at this present moment, is always kind of a spare for me. I have two weeks, each psychology assignment, to complete 6 questions and then send them online to my teacher.
Third period, after lunch, well, today it's Media Arts, I believe. Which is something I never look forward to, and I hope that someday, I can finally get rid of it. All I need is to show them the course code, and then I won't have to take Media Arts anymore, which is a grand plus for me!
Fourth and last period, I have history, which is never a good class for me. I am beginning to hate it, actually, and just when I thought I would enjoy it. Truth is, there is too many little projects in which we have to be paired up. I hate working in groups. Everyone always seems to get a little too close to me, and I feel like I don't have a bubble anymore, and the air becomes thinner, and thinner until I can't breathe and it's overwhelming and... okay, breathe..

I hate when people stand a little too close to me. It's awkward and I can never hold a conversation well. I always look like I'm looking down, and looking them in the eye, it's just, not going to work with me. If you keep your distance, it won't be so awkward for me, and I'll be able to keep a conversation going - or actually participate in class.

In my sociology class, I would love to actually sit there and tell stories and interact with the group and everything, but the teacher always stands and sits so close that I can't speak up, because she's always like, -right there- all the time. If only I could let her know nicely, that maybe she could back up a little, 'cause it would help TREMEMDOUSLY.

Anyway, I figure I should be getting back to my assignment, since I have loads of other things to do, and never enough computer time to do them.

So, until next time, (: