So, I was almost late for school, once again...

Staff always wants us to be clean all the time.
And I mean, it's great, Hygiene is great. To be clean is great.
But our bedrooms is our sanctuary and we aren't allowed one thing out of place.
Now I think this is going mildly overboard considering that I can't necessarily function without a little bit of chaos going around in my bedroom. I could understand if I was in an apartment and my bedroom only consisted of a bed, a dresser and a night stand, but the bedroom is all I got where I live, and a little bit of chaos never really hurt anyone, you know.
Plus, it's not like I can find anything in a room that looks so sanitarily perfect. I don't think any young adult can.
I feel like I'm stuck on a really boring reality show, like somehow there's a bunch of cameras and like, people are watching me on the big screen or something.

So I was late this morning because I ended up having to clean up my room after looking frantically for my uniform, because there's not enough room to be clean and organised.. I don't have a closet, i have a storage thing, so it's hard to find things easily. This is why I wanted a room with a closet. What kind of girl doesn't have a closet in her room, I mean, honestly. These things are essential!

My name is DEXTER.

There are people around me that I would love to yell at right now.
It's really hard to do a psychology paper when there are so many people talking right now, it's hard to concentrate.
I had to use every fiber of my being to wake up this morning. I really did not want to get up.
It's not like I was tired or anything, it was just the fact of actually having to face the day. It wasn't something I was actually looking forward to doing.
I still don't want to face the day, but here I am, at school, really wishing I was home again.
But I don't want to walk all the way there... it's a little long and extremely cold when you're in the beginning of a Northern winter without a coat.
It's true, I don't own a coat.
It would be nice if I did own a coat, you know. And one that was actually nice, so I don't have to look like a total retard, or have people notice that I'm super poor and can't seem to afford things I need.
It really isn't all that fair, when you think about it.
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Some guy is bashing Twilight, and I don't blame him. It's beginning to be a fad, and nothing else. He says it's badly written and every one in the book speaks the same way, and Bella's detective work is slightly extraordinary considering generations of people have been living in Forks, and yet Bella, who only just moved there, figures it all out that Edward and his "family" are vampires.
How coincidental.

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Things are getting stressful at the house again. There are just some people that I wouldn't like to be around at all. They are annoying, and do nothing but complain about everything - not to mention swear, and call everyone a bitch. Or, wonder LOUDLY "Who spiked their BITCH FLAKES".
Honestly, I don't care who spiked whose bitch flakes. The only thing I'm conserned about is doing what I have to do, and getting on with my life. I don't care about the other residents' issues, I don't care what was on CSI, Criminal Minds, or Grey's last night. I don't even care what happened with you and your boyfriend. I just want to live my life, and that's all I want to do at this point.
You know what, she should get her own blog and complain about everything there. Isn't that what all the cool kids are doing these days?

I'm just glad I don't have an chores tonight, because it leaves more time for sleep.
I don't know why I am always feeling so sleep deprived lately. I just want to stay in my bed and just lay there.

Yesterday, we had a meeting about H1N1. The staff explained to us proper handwashing. The last truth about this is that most of the residents do not know how to properly wash their hands.
It's not that hard. You can wash your hands to the tune to "Happy Birthday". Remember, not the fast way, but the normal, syllabic way.

They had also informed us that if we felt sick, that we should inform them and our temperature should be taken. Also, they would ask to take our temperature if they felt that we looked sick.
Trouble is, they haven't bothered me about it, and I've been secretly sick for three weeks now.
I've had a cough, fever, runny nose, headaches, you name it. For two weeks, I have been silently throwing up in front of them, but they don't notice because I'm always trying to keep it down.

I would do anything to stay in bed for days. It would be fantastic to be able to stay in bed and sleep all day. I want to stay in bed for YEARS if I could. I would give up food for this. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

What I don't like is the fact that nothing is making me happy anymore. The fact that there are like, a pack of nerds around the chalkboard explaining some wierd theory, is a stereotypical nightmare. And something is wrong looking with some girl's face. They were talking about being able to talk to dogs, and now they are in a big debate about where the atom came from, and logically thinking what exactly started the big bang, and what the big bang was before it.. well, BANGed.

Ugh. Evolution. Another topic for another time.

This is Heaven

Outside, you stand
Snowflakes melting on your warmed lips
Cold creeping up on your hands
Like a demon on your heart

Wrapped warmly by your coat
You hum softly the words of a lullaby
Looking intently beyond your imagination
The world around you falls sleepily

Transforming into the happy place
You always knew existed
Soft clouds dancing around sun rays
You hear the birds call

The wind rustles
Trees swaying, to and fro
You know that you are home
For you, this is Heaven

"You're simply amazing".

It's not like anyone really reads any of these but..

I’ve finally realized something I can no longer deny. Around other people, we claim that we hate each other, that we can’t stand each other’s presence in the company of other people in the same room. Alone, our friendship remains strong, and we always talk. No matter what happened that day. And if we stay the night somewhere, we always end up going to bed apart, and waking up intertwined with each other, our hands stuck together like glue.
Why is that? I mean, I might have a boyfriend now, but there’s always that connection with him, that I don’t understand. Part of me doesn’t even want to understand – it just wants to continue to feel like that, to be able to feel like that, because for only a couple hours at a time, peace comes around, and leaves only true happiness.


I can’t say its love, just an undeniable force that somehow unconsciously joins us. Leaving to wake up in the morning, and hardly wanting to push each other off. But, doing it anyway, for fear of freaking out the other person, and losing our “fake hating friendship”.
Speaking of boyfriends, mine is hardly around, making it seem like I’m still single. I was talking to a friend of mine, and he was there, while I blabbed that maybe sometimes I want some attention. I only seem to get his attention a couple of times a month, and even then, it’s nothing sexual. I mean NOTHING sexual. Speaking of which, that hasn’t even happened yet, to my satisfaction, and it’s been a grand total of 25 days.


When I call him, he tells me about his day, asks me about mine, and that’s about it. The relationship is boring. It’s kind of reminding me that it’s moving too slowly and that maybe soon enough there will have to be a change in pace if it’s going to last longer than where it’s headed. What I don’t like about him is that he told me he loved me way too quickly. First night we started dating, he’s like “ I love you” and I felt like saying: “Just don’t. You’re throwing around words that mean the world to me like they don’t mean a single thing, like they just happen to be words people say.”


I called him again last night. No answer again, and then he shut his phone off. I must have called at least 18 times. I don’t like feeling shut out like that. A very good friend of mine said I didn’t deserve it. I asked him why, and he said: “You just don’t”. After a while of wondering I finally asked him and you know what he said? “You’re simply amazing.”
I can’t explain the amount of emotion I felt after I saw that on my computer screen. I was like: “Me? Amazing? Are you sure we’re talking about the same girl here?” After a while, I figured it out. It is true. I am amazing. I put up with a lot; I’m strong, beautiful, intelligent, gentle, caring, supportive, etc. I am simply put – amazing. (:

Now, as I sit here, and type this final word, I can only say that my heart is pulling me in all kinds of directions. I may not love anyone at all, now that I think about it. I may just be looking for comfort, in whatever way I can get it. Comfort is something I have always been looking for. It's something that I haven't had a lot of, and I guess now I'm just looking to have some of it.

Truth is, I'm not looking for anything sexual. I know in my day I should be experimenting pretty sexually, but I choose not too, because of the discomfort it causes me. I don't feel comfortable experimenting that way, which is okay with me.

Anyways.

Hopefully, I get in touch with my so-called boyfriend today, and demand to know what his problem is. I might be a little rusty relationship-wise, but I sure do know that you're supposed to keep in contact with your girl at least every couple of days. It's been way more than a couple of days, in all truth. Even the one who says I was amazing thinks I deserve better than someone who doesn't bother to pay any attention to me.

Oh well, I don't need someone to lean on. I have me, myself and I and I'm already okay with that concept.

As for pain, my upper back continues to hurt on the right side near my spinal area. It's something that I don't want to have to continue to hurt. Found a solution just seconds ago... try placing your back completely straight and still on the chair. There's a back rest there for a reason, I suppose.

I didn't have a spare first period, but we spent most of the time on the computer, which was fine enough for me.
Second period, the one I am in at this present moment, is always kind of a spare for me. I have two weeks, each psychology assignment, to complete 6 questions and then send them online to my teacher.
Third period, after lunch, well, today it's Media Arts, I believe. Which is something I never look forward to, and I hope that someday, I can finally get rid of it. All I need is to show them the course code, and then I won't have to take Media Arts anymore, which is a grand plus for me!
Fourth and last period, I have history, which is never a good class for me. I am beginning to hate it, actually, and just when I thought I would enjoy it. Truth is, there is too many little projects in which we have to be paired up. I hate working in groups. Everyone always seems to get a little too close to me, and I feel like I don't have a bubble anymore, and the air becomes thinner, and thinner until I can't breathe and it's overwhelming and... okay, breathe..

I hate when people stand a little too close to me. It's awkward and I can never hold a conversation well. I always look like I'm looking down, and looking them in the eye, it's just, not going to work with me. If you keep your distance, it won't be so awkward for me, and I'll be able to keep a conversation going - or actually participate in class.

In my sociology class, I would love to actually sit there and tell stories and interact with the group and everything, but the teacher always stands and sits so close that I can't speak up, because she's always like, -right there- all the time. If only I could let her know nicely, that maybe she could back up a little, 'cause it would help TREMEMDOUSLY.

Anyway, I figure I should be getting back to my assignment, since I have loads of other things to do, and never enough computer time to do them.

So, until next time, (:

&& There's so much left to say...

There are somethings you never quite understand. Like how come it’s been so long since I even bothered to update my blog. So much has happened since the last time I posted, it’s ridiculous.Like, I moved out of that apartment in the beginning of September. I’m still trying to get all of my stuff back. Rose never worked out. Like, you know, the one that convinced me to move in with her in the first place? Yeah, she left in July. I stayed at that apartment only 2 more months than she. What can you do? That two bedroom was a thousand dollars a month. And, for how bad the condition of it was, I’m surprised I even stayed in there that long. I eventually got another roommate, but she never bothered to pay a single months rent – and therefore got me kicked out. She also stole and hocked a ton of my stuff, which I later found out about. I’m still quite upset about it. I mean, I bought food, and accessories and all this stuff, and she has the liberty of taking my possessions and selling them. Most of them had sentimental value, you know. Well, enough about that. I started school. I hate my classes. I really do. I don’t even know why I even bother. I have a project in my media arts class that’s due tomorrow, and I haven’t seen my partner in days. Do I do it all by myself, and then quickly explain it all to her tomorrow? Or what? Because, I’m at a loss.
I’ve moved into my mother’s house temporarily and I got such a welcome from my sister. I know I’m imposing on her life, I can tell. I care about my sister, but sometimes, I swear she’s…
Ugh. Nevermind.
All I know is that now.. I have no direction. I’m just a leaf blowing in the wind, as they say.